OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
