He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
