You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
