wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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