Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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