You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
