wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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