Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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