"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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