You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
