i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
