I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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