I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
