Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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