My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
