seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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