You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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