hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
