we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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