Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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