70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
