this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
