He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
