I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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