I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
