my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
