Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
