census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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