I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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