Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
