How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
