I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
