literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize