have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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