Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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