Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize