you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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