the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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