If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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