my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
