God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
