you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
