one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
