Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
