The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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