Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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