I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
