I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
