I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
