he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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