You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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