I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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