I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
