Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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