Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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