I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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