I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize