It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
