I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
