you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize