Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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