I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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