"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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