4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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