i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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