All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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