Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
True strength comes from lack of pants
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
