What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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