I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
