I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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