It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
